Post by Sköll Sønjakten on Sept 13, 2013 21:28:47 GMT
The scene before you displays a beautiful late Victorian sitting room. Accompanied greatly with assorted knickknacks lined along a red brick chimney sourcing from a peacefully crackling fireplace that dimly lights the room in all of its gilded and mahogany elegance. Panning out from the fire place sits a significantly tall and muscular male entirely robed within a burgundy gown to conceal himself quite comfortably. This does not come without his obvious lupine features widely expressed upon his limbs with one leg crossed over another. As for his canine arms and hands, a sophisticated glass chalice filled with amber aromatic liquid swirls idly in the glass within his left hand; whilst in his right, a modest read of a beautifully printed hard cover copy of War and Peace. To his left leaned along the easy chair he sits so properly within is an overly encumbering sword drenched in quarts of blood still steaming from the freshness of the recent kill, head mounted on the chimney brick above the fire place. Shortly after taking a sip of the brandy that lines the glass goblet, did the man's eyes stare strait toward you, the ever curious readers.
"Oh hello there! You scared the devil out of me! Caught me prone as they say, ha-ha! I welcome you humble readers to 'A Gentleman's Guide to Barbarism'. My own quaint little quarry where the minerals we mine here is the ever necessary advice in being a proper brigand. Some of you out there might be saying 'But Ser Sønjakten, how hard can rolling a barbarian possibly be? ' Well I assure all you Johns and Janes that there is more to the fine art of rampaging than most are aware of; and I am here to fill you in, my readers, to a few easy to learn steps on how to properly and effectively harness the wild spirit within! Let's begin shall we?"
Step 1: Looking the Part
The conception of a proper barbarian's attire is not a commonly argued subject. Most will find that a barbarian takes little into account for what he or she wears that trends amongst the common folk. Due to this, a barbarian will prefer only the bare minimum of required armor and protection to ensure that his resolve to take larger hits from others like a true champion is not put in question. Fur and leather are the most recommended to allow more of your own imposing physique to be displayed.
Bobby Boring-Folk: Billy? A-are you wearing the skin of your dog?
Billy Barbarian: NO, ITS YOUR DOG! *PUNCH*
Step 2: Getting Angry
One of the more important things to remember when making your profession as a brutish person 'be' a brutish person. A barbarian's attitude solely reflects on the unwavering resolve and absolution of his or her mindset. This mindset will always, if not often, be rooted to a barbarian's limitless hatred and frustration toward a person, place, or thing! Remember to keep angry even if it's for a seemingly menial reason.
Bobby Boring-Folk: Billy you need to calm down. All I said was you look constipated when you're mad.
Billy Barbarian: THAT. ISNT. FUNNY! *SPARTAN KICK*
Step 3: Your Weapon of Choice
Have you ever heard the old expression, "It's not the size the counts, it's how you use it"? Well as comforting as that might sound rest assured, it is a dirty filthy lie! Small weapons unfortunately do not have their place within a barbarian's arsenal unless that small weapon just so happens to extend to something twice someone's size. Never let anyone tell you different. The most prefer weapons to wield by a barbarian extend from Great Swords, Great Axes, Great Spears, and Great Hammers to Great Short Swords, Great Short Spears, Great War Axes, Great Scythes, Great Broad Swords, Great Katana, Great Daggers, and a Tree Trunk. Remember, the bigger it is the bigger your masculinity is in battle!
Bobby Boring-Folk: Billy...? Can you put down the giant log?
Billy Barbarian: MY ENEMIES WILL FALL BEFORE MY MASSIVE DIC- *television static*
Step 4: Knowing When to Attack
ALWAYS!
Step 5: Getting Along with Party Members
Barbarians, as a whole, are typically solitary people and for good reasons. A barbarian cannot find his fullest potential inside the field of battle when there are others he must single out from harming. However, should the time come where a barbarian must group with others of a like minded goal it is important to let your temporary friends know your exact intentions less miscommunication spark from even the smallest disagreements.
Fair-Play Fiona: Great work team! We killed all the goblins, now let's share our bounty of the loot.
Bobby Boring-Folk: Uhh, maybe we should give it all to Billy.
Suspicious Samuel: Why? All he did was chop the balls off of the ones that were already dead.
Billy Barbarian: AND ILL CHOP YOURS OFF TOO AND USE YOUR SACKS AS COIN PURSES FOR MY GOLD! *SPIN TO WIN*
"And there you have it fellow readers! Some proper and intuitive guidelines to making a successful barbarian. I should hope this turned out to be very enlightening and helpful for your up and coming adventures. If not? GO SHOVE A SWORD MADE OF PINECONES UP YOUR ASS!" *SWORD TOSS AT!*
Please leave a comment below with questions you'd like to ask S. Sønjakten on tips regarding being a better barbarian! Or don't... you know the alternative. Have a wonderful day!
"Oh hello there! You scared the devil out of me! Caught me prone as they say, ha-ha! I welcome you humble readers to 'A Gentleman's Guide to Barbarism'. My own quaint little quarry where the minerals we mine here is the ever necessary advice in being a proper brigand. Some of you out there might be saying 'But Ser Sønjakten, how hard can rolling a barbarian possibly be? ' Well I assure all you Johns and Janes that there is more to the fine art of rampaging than most are aware of; and I am here to fill you in, my readers, to a few easy to learn steps on how to properly and effectively harness the wild spirit within! Let's begin shall we?"
Step 1: Looking the Part
The conception of a proper barbarian's attire is not a commonly argued subject. Most will find that a barbarian takes little into account for what he or she wears that trends amongst the common folk. Due to this, a barbarian will prefer only the bare minimum of required armor and protection to ensure that his resolve to take larger hits from others like a true champion is not put in question. Fur and leather are the most recommended to allow more of your own imposing physique to be displayed.
Bobby Boring-Folk: Billy? A-are you wearing the skin of your dog?
Billy Barbarian: NO, ITS YOUR DOG! *PUNCH*
Step 2: Getting Angry
One of the more important things to remember when making your profession as a brutish person 'be' a brutish person. A barbarian's attitude solely reflects on the unwavering resolve and absolution of his or her mindset. This mindset will always, if not often, be rooted to a barbarian's limitless hatred and frustration toward a person, place, or thing! Remember to keep angry even if it's for a seemingly menial reason.
Bobby Boring-Folk: Billy you need to calm down. All I said was you look constipated when you're mad.
Billy Barbarian: THAT. ISNT. FUNNY! *SPARTAN KICK*
Step 3: Your Weapon of Choice
Have you ever heard the old expression, "It's not the size the counts, it's how you use it"? Well as comforting as that might sound rest assured, it is a dirty filthy lie! Small weapons unfortunately do not have their place within a barbarian's arsenal unless that small weapon just so happens to extend to something twice someone's size. Never let anyone tell you different. The most prefer weapons to wield by a barbarian extend from Great Swords, Great Axes, Great Spears, and Great Hammers to Great Short Swords, Great Short Spears, Great War Axes, Great Scythes, Great Broad Swords, Great Katana, Great Daggers, and a Tree Trunk. Remember, the bigger it is the bigger your masculinity is in battle!
Bobby Boring-Folk: Billy...? Can you put down the giant log?
Billy Barbarian: MY ENEMIES WILL FALL BEFORE MY MASSIVE DIC- *television static*
Step 4: Knowing When to Attack
ALWAYS!
Step 5: Getting Along with Party Members
Barbarians, as a whole, are typically solitary people and for good reasons. A barbarian cannot find his fullest potential inside the field of battle when there are others he must single out from harming. However, should the time come where a barbarian must group with others of a like minded goal it is important to let your temporary friends know your exact intentions less miscommunication spark from even the smallest disagreements.
Fair-Play Fiona: Great work team! We killed all the goblins, now let's share our bounty of the loot.
Bobby Boring-Folk: Uhh, maybe we should give it all to Billy.
Suspicious Samuel: Why? All he did was chop the balls off of the ones that were already dead.
Billy Barbarian: AND ILL CHOP YOURS OFF TOO AND USE YOUR SACKS AS COIN PURSES FOR MY GOLD! *SPIN TO WIN*
"And there you have it fellow readers! Some proper and intuitive guidelines to making a successful barbarian. I should hope this turned out to be very enlightening and helpful for your up and coming adventures. If not? GO SHOVE A SWORD MADE OF PINECONES UP YOUR ASS!" *SWORD TOSS AT!*
Please leave a comment below with questions you'd like to ask S. Sønjakten on tips regarding being a better barbarian! Or don't... you know the alternative. Have a wonderful day!